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Friday, January 24, 2014

For Such A Time As This

"For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" - Esther 4:14

I love this story in the Bible where a woman seems to have been put in an unusual situation for a specific purpose by God.  I am no Bible scholar, so please forgive me if I take liberties.  But it seems to me, she's probably wondering, "What the heck? How did I, a simple Jewish woman, end up with a king?"  And then times get crazier.  Her family and all her people are in mortal danger.  And it's up to her to speak up to the king.  Her uncle tells her, "Hey, I think you're in this crazy situation cause God wants you to do something.  He's at work here, and He's using you.  I know you're scared, but you don't really have a choice, do you?  He's gonna do what He wants anyway, so you're better off doing what's right.  It will work out better for you in the end."

I can kind of relate to her situation.  Those verses have echoed in my head most of my life.  A few years ago, I ignored them.  I turned to something else to numb me, instead of facing the pain in my life.  Now, that I'm trying to live in God's will again, they are bouncing around in my head like crazy.  Especially in the last few weeks.

Last week, one of my students had a new babysitter picking him up.  The other teachers and I immediately noticed some unusual behavior when she dropped him off.  Warning bells went off like crazy for me.  At the end of the day, she was late picking him up in the carpool line and was still acting strange.  I looked down as I was buckling him in and saw a single beer bottle in the center console of the car.  Those warning bells became an emergency siren.  I felt in my gut that I was probably putting my student in the car of another alcoholic who was not in recovery.  It was too late to get him out without putting him in danger.  I acted as casual as possible and got her liscence plate number and ran inside.  Of course, even I knew that there was no actual proof that anything was wrong.  Maybe she just went to the store?  Maybe it fell out of a grocery bag and she just stuck it in there? The only person who can decide if you're an alcoholic is you.

But I knew.  I remembered those times of picking up my kids when I had been drinking.  I had covered up the smell.  I could walk in a straight line, maybe, and even have a somewhat normal conversation.  In my head, I said, "Every mom needs a drink now and then.  It's a stressful job." It's a miracle that my kids are still alive today.

I can't describe to you the panic and anguish I felt when I came face to face with the old me that day.  There was some discussion among the school staff on the best way to handle the situation.  Not having proof that she had been drinking, it seemed unwise to most of the staff to take drastic measures. I'm sure the emotion I had over the situation puzzled some.  In the end, I called the student's mom and just gave her the facts.  When the mom arrived home, the babysitter was on the phone and her son was running around in only his underwear.  When she asked the babysitter about the beer bottle, she was told that it was a toy.  The mom told the babysitter she wasn't needed anymore, even without solid proof. Later on, she discovered that the babysitter had stolen all of their liquor.  The administrators at the school told me later that they felt it was a lucky break that the situation happened to me.  Most of them wouldn't have reacted in the same manner, and it was possible that I saved the student's life.

My friends in recovery and I see it differently.  GOD put me in that place and that time for a reason.   I was probably the best person to recognize the signs of a suspicious situation, but God also put me in that place and time to show me something.  He showed me how far I've come, and He gave me an emotional reminder of why I don't want to go back.  He showed me that it is only by His grace that I am not that mom or babysitter or friend, putting lives in danger.   

This week, I had the opportunity to share my story at Middle Places.  A friend had asked me to do this, and I thought long and hard about the right words.  Soon after it was posted, I received some angry, negative feedback from someone I know.  For the first time in a long time, I felt the old panic and fear I used to deal with in the past. I called my friend on the blog to ask if she could change the post. She reminded me that I was letting someone have control over me again, and that I would just be back in the same old situation if I gave in.  I decided to leave it and dealt with the angry person for the rest of the afternoon.  That night, when I sat down to look at the blog, I was overwhelmed by the positive response. God had used my meager words to give some people hope.  And out of fear of being harmed and humiliated, I had almost taken it away.

As with Esther, if I had kept silent God would have still given these readers the hope they needed.  He doesn't need me to share my story in order to give others hope.  He doesn't need me to protect my student.  But I am so grateful He chose to use me.  He showed me that even though I tuned out His purpose for my life at one time, He doesn't give up and go away.  And He showed me that He can and will use my pain and struggles for His glory every single time.  All I have to do is keep following Him, and He will show me that He has saved me from myself for, "such a time as this".



Saturday, January 18, 2014

Recovering My Blog

Once upon a time, long long ago I had a blog. It seems like it was an entirely different life, an alternate universe. Six years ago, I was married with two kids, and my 2 year old son was in the process of being diagnosed with autism. I was swimming in research and doctors and therapy. The stress of a sick child began to wear away at the thin thread that held my marriage together. At some point I stopped blogging.

What happened next was my demise and rebirth. My son started attending a special school for children with autism, and he began to slowly get better. I started teaching at his school and fell in love with my job. It was like cresting a big hill on a rollercoaster.  Things were looking up and then came the big plunge.The negative comments from my husband began to look more and more like abuse. I began to believe those comments, so I decided that I was worthless, if anybody really knew me they would hate me, I'm ugly, etc. Then I found out I was pregnant with my third child. I became very afraid in my own home. I began sleeping with my children in my bed, clothes on, and my keys and cell phone in my pockets. I felt like I was in hell with no escape. After my third child was born, I turned to alcohol to numb the pain. It wasn't long until I found myself in rehab, seperated from my kids. The next three years were a battle to recover from my addiction. I got divorced, but had to give up primary custody of my kids. My whole life was turned upside down. Because I couldn't let go of losing my kids, I relapsed several times. On my second trip to rehab, God led me to a place where I was forced to look at why I became an alcoholic. I finally let go of what I thought life should be like, and I managed to stay sober.

Now, I see my kids every weekend and at least one night a week. I worked my way back into my teaching job.  My son with autism is doing well and has a bright future ahead of him. My family in Alabama still loves and supports me, and I have a whole new family here in Houston. This family is made up of people in recovery, who have fallen down and been lifted up by God, just like me. They don't regret the past or fear the future.  They don't look down on anyone, because they are grateful for what God has done in their lives.

As the new year began, I was reflecting on how far God has brought me when a friend asked me to write my story for a guest blog post. I remembered my old blog and went back to read it. Though the stories were vaguely familiar, I didn't recognize the voice of the writer.  I have changed and matured, but I also miss the part of me that wrote my thoughts and feelings for anyone to see.

Hence, the new blog. I am recovering from alcoholism, from divorce. I am recovering my happiness, freedom, self-esteem, peace. And I am recovering my words that were drowned out by alcohol, pain and abuse. As one of the 9th step promises in Alcoholics Anonymous says, "No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can help others."