Recovering My Blog

Once upon a time, long long ago I had a blog. It seems like it was an entirely different life, an alternate universe. Six years ago, I was married with two kids, and my 2 year old son was in the process of being diagnosed with autism. I was swimming in research and doctors and therapy. The stress of a sick child began to wear away at the thin thread that held my marriage together. At some point I stopped blogging.

What happened next was my demise and rebirth. My son started attending a special school for children with autism, and he began to slowly get better. I started teaching at his school and fell in love with my job. It was like cresting a big hill on a rollercoaster.  Things were looking up and then came the big plunge.The negative comments from my husband began to look more and more like abuse. I began to believe those comments, so I decided that I was worthless, if anybody really knew me they would hate me, I'm ugly, etc. Then I found out I was pregnant with my third child. I became very afraid in my own home. I began sleeping with my children in my bed, clothes on, and my keys and cell phone in my pockets. I felt like I was in hell with no escape. After my third child was born, I turned to alcohol to numb the pain. It wasn't long until I found myself in rehab, seperated from my kids. The next three years were a battle to recover from my addiction. I got divorced, but had to give up primary custody of my kids. My whole life was turned upside down. Because I couldn't let go of losing my kids, I relapsed several times. On my second trip to rehab, God led me to a place where I was forced to look at why I became an alcoholic. I finally let go of what I thought life should be like, and I managed to stay sober.

Now, I see my kids every weekend and at least one night a week. I worked my way back into my teaching job.  My son with autism is doing well and has a bright future ahead of him. My family in Alabama still loves and supports me, and I have a whole new family here in Houston. This family is made up of people in recovery, who have fallen down and been lifted up by God, just like me. They don't regret the past or fear the future.  They don't look down on anyone, because they are grateful for what God has done in their lives.

As the new year began, I was reflecting on how far God has brought me when a friend asked me to write my story for a guest blog post. I remembered my old blog and went back to read it. Though the stories were vaguely familiar, I didn't recognize the voice of the writer.  I have changed and matured, but I also miss the part of me that wrote my thoughts and feelings for anyone to see.

Hence, the new blog. I am recovering from alcoholism, from divorce. I am recovering my happiness, freedom, self-esteem, peace. And I am recovering my words that were drowned out by alcohol, pain and abuse. As one of the 9th step promises in Alcoholics Anonymous says, "No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can help others."