The Difference

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. (Robert Frost "The Road Not Taken")

Alcoholics don't have the monopoly on avoiding pain.  Who likes pain?  Before I was an alcoholic, I avoided pain in other ways.  I ignored it, stuffed it down, distracted myself with books, TV, whatever worked.  Now that I'm sober, I'm learning how to deal with emotional pain.  It is my most dreaded emotion.  Recently, I went through a very painful experience and came out on the other side, sober.  Here are the things I noticed that make the difference - the difference between truly living life and burying your head in the sand.  I think these things apply to anyone who is in a painful situation and thinks they can't keep going, alcoholic or not.
 

1. "...you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life." (Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, pg 152)
 

Previously, when I felt pain, I isolated.  Being an alcoholic isolates you in and of itself, but being in pain makes a lot of us want to shut the world out.  Now I've learned to reach out when I'm in pain.  I go to a meeting, I call people, I talk to anyone who will listen.  The beautiful thing about being in recovery is that I have a treasure trove of friends who will drop everything and be there for me when I yell, "Help!".  And if I can't find anyone to talk to, I can walk into any AA meeting anywhere in the world, and I don't even have to say a word.  The other people like me can take one look at my face and they will come running to help...whether they know me or not.  In a couple of places, the Big Book of AA compares alcoholics as survivors of a shipwreck.  We are bound together and rejoice over being rescued from certain death.  The difference is, we don't go our separate ways after rescue.  Here is the full quote from above:
 

"Among them (people in AA) you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey. Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of 'Love thy neighbor as thyself.'" (pg 152)

 

 

The flip side to this is that I am happiest when I am giving to others.  I get out of myself when I focus on helping those that are hurting.  There is always someone who has it worse.  You rediscover life by helping others survive and rediscover life.

 

 

Now, of course, people in AA are human just like everyone else.  They don't erase the pain.  They just help you walk through it.  Having that resource of someone willing to do whatever it takes to get you through the pain is invaluable.  Sometimes they don't even say the right things or the things we want or need to hear, but it still helps.  Which leads me to my second point...

 

 

2. "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion." (Truvy in Steel Magnolias)
 

So, friends are human and they don't always say what you want or need to hear.  But I'm a firm believer that God works through all people that we come in contact with, and you never know where you're going to find relief.  When I was going through the throes of my recent painful experience, I heard a lot of people use the infamous AA quote, "Let it go."  This was probably what I needed to hear, but it frustrated me.  How do you just let go?  And then I found relief in the most unexpected places.  I went to a meeting, and afterwards I talked with an acquaintance, someone that I don't talk that much with outside of AA.  As tears were about to spill out of my eyes, I said with a despairing tone, "Everyone keeps telling me to let it go.  I guess that's just what I have to do."  To which he replied, "Let it go?  Did they tell you how?  I'm so tired of people throwing that phrase around.  It's not like a light switch.  Dude, if you find out how to let it go, tell me please!"  I instantly felt a release of the weight, as we looked at each other and laughed.  (Probably one of those you had to be there moments, but you understand what I'm saying.)


I've always loved this quote and this emotion, but I never really experienced it that much before now.  When you walk through pain, you don't just feel the grief.  You feel real joy at the glimpses of healing you get.  Yes, you are crying as you laugh, but it makes the laughter so much more precious. You see, and are more grateful for, the blessings God has put in your life.  Laughter through tears is a beautiful picture of hope.  You get a clearer picture of God working in your life.  If you're not feeling the pain, you also are not feeling the joy.  And then you're not really living at all, are you?


3. "No problem is so great that a drink won't make it worse."


This quote is at the front of the room at my AA group.  Numbing or ignoring the pain doesn't make it go away.  It is always there waiting for you to wake up.  Not only will you have to face the pain eventually, but you will also add to pain ten-fold if you drink over it.  If I don't drink, when I make it through this, I will be a stronger, braver, more beautiful person.  I'm already seeing the fruit of this just a week into this journey.  Friends have noticed a change in my appearance.  I am "glowing" even in the midst of suffering.  I don't know what is going to happen in life.  I wouldn't have chosen this path.  But God is doing for me what I could not do for myself, and for that I am so, so grateful.  It has made all the difference.


P.S. I just saw that the theme at Middle Places this month is "Let It Go".  Coincidence?  I think not.